Who am I?

The United States of America is generally seen as a vast nation that offers plenty of benefits, such as numerous employment opportunities, higher wages, various health benefits, and also better education. These ideal aspects of America are what lead countless immigrants to choose to come to the United States, despite the recognition that they would have to sacrifice their current way of life in order to do so. Oftentimes, I believe, these immigrants don’t see the full extent of the detriment that would be placed on their cultures if they choose to move here. This is what happened to my own family and me after we moved to the United States. 

It was a hot summer day, with the sun blazing above in the sky; however, my grandpa and I were well protected, since we decided to carry out our leisure activities inside the coolness of our own home. My grandpa was sitting on the sofa, eyes intently focused on reading a Bengali newspaper, and I was playing “Call of Duty” on my phone. The team deathmatch was nearing its end as my grandpa suddenly asked me to read out the heading of the newspaper. I stopped playing, seeing as my team would win, and turned to the section he pointed to. Replying in Bangla, I said, “I can’t, because I can’t read or write Bangla” and watched his eyes slowly fill with disappointment. 

He asked me again, as if to confirm my response, this time pointing to different sections of the newspaper, to which I answered the same way. This time around, whatever expectancy had existed had already completely disappeared from his face, and was replaced by pure dismay. 

Pondering as to why he was showing such despondency, I realized the reason, and my cheeks immediately burned up, taking on a deep shade of red. I realized that he had expected me to at least fully know Bangla, since I am from Bangladesh, and as I didn’t know the literacy characteristic of Bangla, he in turn became disappointed. This apprehension also caused me to be ashamed because I felt as if it was my duty to know Bangla fully since it’s an integral part of my home country, of where I come from.  

This interaction with my grandfather is significant because it led me to question my identity, specifically the Bengali component of it. I began to think that I had completely lost the Bengali aspect of my identity or at least most of it. I believed, and I still carry this belief to this day even, that if a person is born in Bangladesh or in any other country, then they must know both the language and the literacy features of that country. Seeing as I didn’t know the latter, I still feel to this day unsure of whether I can or cannot be called a Bengali. My encounter with my grandfather also raised several questions, one of which is how much does language/ literacy make up one’s nationality/ cultural identity. If one’s language/ literacy composes only a minuscule portion of one’s cultural identity/ nationality, then does that indicate that I am still fully Bengali, since I can continue to speak Bangla? If the answer is deemed to be that language/ literacy makes up a very important portion of my cultural identity, does this mean that I am not a full Bengali or not even a Bengali anymore? Accordingly, can there be an implication that I am fully American, the reason being that I know both the English language and literacy wholly? In present day, I continue to wrestle with these questions, unable to form a conclusive statement as to if I am an American or Bengali or both and looking back, I can attribute the source of this dilemma -my lack of full understanding of Bangla- to when my whole family and I arrived in the United States.

When we arrived, my parents quickly enrolled my sister and me into an elementary school in Queens, New York, and later, into an elementary school in The Bronx after we switched Boroughs. When I first entered either school, I was astounded by everything: the orderliness of the place, the numerous students of various backgrounds, and most of all, English. I would marvel at the students as they spoke to each other in a language that I didn’t understand, sharing their interests, likes, and ideas with one another. In order to become part of the larger society, and with the encouragement from my parents, I became determined to learn English and managed to accomplish this goal successfully; although it took a few years. As for my parents, they became increasingly focused on their jobs: my dad taking on back-breaking work in The Health Nuts and my mom taking on long hours in a phone making company, so as to sustain the family. Due to this, they were often fatigued when they returned home, which prevented them from continuing to teach me Bangla. As an unintended consequence of my entire family and me wanting the benefits of the United States, English was prioritized, and as such, I slowly became illiterate in Bangla.